The Art of Being Gentlemanly

Oh, the awkwardness. I've never been comfortable with having car doors opened for me on a date, or otherwise. If my hands aren't full and I'm capable of opening the door, I'd just assume do it myself. I'm stubborn when it comes to allowing a guy to pay for dinner or the movies or whatever the event may be. Don't get me wrong, on occasion it is appreciated, but I am not of the school of thought that it should be expected. I open doors, and often times stand impatiently while I refuse to enter a building first. I don't know if you would consider this a result of my own stubborn nature, or if I should attribute these actions and reactions to the evolution of social expectations.

After a trip to Medford, Oregon this weekend to visit the grandparents, I began to revisit the idea of "the gentleman". I watched as my 94-year-old grandfather would rise out of his chair every time I entered the room, and wouldn't sit back down until he was satisfied that I had found my own seat (always offering his own chair as the first option). And when we had finished eating lunch together one afternoon and headed out for his afternoon walk I noticed that as we walked along the brief stretch of sidewalk before getting to the park, he always maneuvered ever so slightly so that he stood streetside. While each of these things struck me about my grandfather, what really caught my attention most was every afternoon and evening when we would stand up to leave their assisted living facility, my grandfather, without fail, followed us each and every time to the front door to see us out and thank us for our visit.

What I began to realize is that these actions simply aren't expected of my generation, and in fact, are rarely expected of my father's generation. I don't recall having ever seen my father open the car door for my mother (for which I surely would have ridiculed him endlessly), and the same can be said of my brother (with the exception of his wedding, when I'm certain I remember somebody whispering in his ear that he should probably help his new wife and her voluminous dress into their getaway vehicle before himself). And something should be said for the fact that I very distinctly remember the first time a car door was opened for me, when my homecoming date opened the door to his parent's car before walking around to the other side of the car and climbing in the back seat with me. It caught me off guard and has continued to do so the few other times that I have had the awkward experience of having the car door opened for me.

After thinking about the phenomenon of the gentleman over the weekend I realized that I think it simply boils down to the fact that these actions haven't remained natural for our generations. My grandfather, who retains no short term memories, doesn't even think about his gentlemanly actions. They are so engrained in his personality that he performs these actions without even thinking about them. Of course, I understand that this is also a regional issue. One of my roommates in France had all of these "traditional" expectations and was constantly relaying stories of the abundance of true Texas gentlemen.

But, I am so unfamiliar with these qualities that I have begun to reject them altogether. It was not until my grandfather displayed them with such ease, that I recognized it may be an issue that lies more in the delivery than in the actual act itself. When my grandfather stood in his chair, I didn't blink an eye. When he woudn't eat a peanut m&m without first making sure that no one else in the room wanted one, I wasn't uncomfortable. And each time he grabbed another couple of m&m's he would remind us that anyone else was welcome to the m&m's. More than anything my heart swelled with love for my aging grandfather, and it does make you reconsider the desirability of a true, old-fashioned gentleman in today's society. It's an art that seems lost on my generation, and while I'm certain that I will continue paying and opening doors, it's nice to step back in time for a moment or two and experience the respect and tradition of another time.

I'd be curious to see whose parents (as a young boy) taught them these gentlemanly acts along with not hitting your sister, eating with your mouth closed, and all of the other very important lessons we learn as youngsters. My guess is that the number is quite small.