Dysfunctional

So... I can't burp. I always just thought I missed that day in health class where they taught you how to belch out the ABC's, but I've had skeptical friends trying to "teach" me how to burp for years. I've chugged sodas, swallowed air, all to no avail. However, as a result of this inability to burp, I can do a few tricks. Instead of burping, my body produces little champagne bubbles that rise from my throat (in place of a burp) and make an awkward little gurgling sound. This is really fun when you are in the middle of a Shakespeare exam, or watching a movie (not to mention plenty of other situations where people stare awkwardly at the girl making funny noises in her throat). I've started calling these funky noises "the Jamie burp", but I have also heard them called "verps" and "gurgles" among other names.

Now, it would be a lie to say that I have NEVER burped in my twenty-four (24!) years of existence on this planet, but I could count the number of times on my two hands. The best part about the few times that I have burped, is how unbelievably excited I get when it happens. This also causes awkward stares from passersby. Unfortunately, I can't control these sparcity of burps (another side-effect) so on the handful of occasions when I have burped, I have not been ladylike about it. Not one bit. But then I smile gleefully and sometimes jump excitedly for the rare occasion!

Well, I have never spent much time thinking about this inability to burp. I simply refrain from drinking soda, or if I do crave a Diet Coke, I drink it slowly and suffer "the jamie burps". But it's not only soda that does it to me. It's eating too much, or too quickly, it's accidentally swallowing pool water (which disgusts me for many different reasons), it's beer, it's a handful of different things, all of which I have yet to diagnose. So, recently I looked into this phenomenon of mine. And what I found out shocked me...

I am one of many who have a condition called Dysfunction of the Belch Reflex. It's complicated and I don't understand it all, but there are accounts from at least 180 different individuals who suffer from the same condition. Now, you have to realize that my health record is spotless. I have no allergies. I have never broken a bone (minus a couple of fingers during volleyball season that went untreated). I have never had any major health issues in my entire 24 years. I am that person who goes through medical exams and just checks the NO box for EVERY single item. Until this past year when I had to start marking that I've had my wisdom teeth removed (and even that took 23 years). And then during this twenty-fourth year of mine, I learn that I am clinically categorized as "dysfunctional". Pssh!

I mean, just because I can't belch the ABC's... I don't think they should go throwing around the "d" word. There's got to be another term for it. Clearly the guy who devised the term isn't one of us. Otherwise he would have given it a name that was much more appealing, or at least something that sounds cool. I mean if I'm going to have some "dysfunction" at least make it something that I can tell other people with pride. Who wants to brag about your "dysfunction of the belch reflex"? Ugh. I can't wink and can barely whistle either, maybe I should start informing my doctor of these medical issues, so they can give me more diagnoses with awful names.

So... I was thinking maybe we could come up with a better term for my condition... Any ideas?